A Story of Surrender

So wow... here I am writing my very own birth story!? I can't believe it!
My little boy is 9 days old today!

ok ok ok onto the birth story:
Here we go...

It really started on Monday, November 21st-
I had my 41 week prenatal (I would be 41 weeks officially the next day) and things were looking good, nothing that interesting. We talked about some natural induction methods and I decided I wanted to try them that night. Well, Stewart and I went out to dinner <3 which looking back on it was cute cause it was like our last official date before baby.
So I was a little skeptical of these induction methods but I thought honestly if i wasn't ready for labor then I wouldn't go into labor and that would be that...

So after we tried some capsules,tinctures and some castor oil (this is usually used for a lax effect)... all I really had was an upset belly :\

So I got some sleep and woke up in the morning to what I thought was gas pain, but I started not being able to lay down through it so I got up around 6:30 (oh by the way all these times are guesses cause the whole day is sort of a blur). At this point Stewart was still asleep but I woke him up just to tell him this could be it . I called my midwife telling her today could POSSIBLY be the day just so she would have the heads up and have her be "on her toes" in case I needed her quickly.

Ok so the morning progressed and I was having very short contractions. Stewart made me some oatmeal (which took me i think something like 3 hours to eat ). The morning contractions wouldn't last long at all but yea they weren't a piece of cake either... but they were manageable. So here is the thing, if I sat down the contraction would hurt SO MUCH WORSE than standing up so I pretty much stood up for almost 7 hours straight... I would try to sit or sit a few times but the pain increased drastically when sitting so I just sucked it up and walked around my home. The contractions weren't super regular at this point, they were very very random...but eventually I was getting REALLY TIRED of standing and my back was starting to hurt (not because of back labor) but mainly because I was standing up for so long.

At this point I skyped with my best friend CA hahaha this I find pretty hilarious because I'm thinking my contractions were coming about 6 ish minutes apart but I hadn't really established a "pattern" yet so  they were probably a lot more random -can't really say we talked about much except how labor was going and I got to see my cute little Godbaby, Gemma. So after we skyped I decided I wanted to try to get into the tub (this tub isn't a bathroom tub ::think: hot tub in the middle of my living room :P) the reason I wanted to get in was because I was so tired but it was a hit or miss because Stewart and I were both scared it would slow down my contractions but I really didn't have that much energy so I just got in and it felt GREAT... mind you the contractions kept coming and it felt like they spaced out a little but they proceeded to keep coming which is good, I'm glad I didn't stall because of the water but it was at this point the contractions got a little more intense ... I started to feel a little unhinged and I remember thinking " if they are going to be like this back to back I have to go to the hospital". I got out of the tub and went into my bedroom , this is where things started to pick up...

My contractions got a lot more regular (but never back to back) and stayed that way for the next four hours...I was sitting up against the side of my bed on top of a body pillow trying to just breath, hum - just get through the contractions. Stewart called my midwife and she came into the room I believe around 7 pm.

I was able to stand up and she checked me and I was about 6-7 cm so she suggested I get back in the tub. Of course I was nervous at getting back in the tub because of how I felt in it earlier in the day but I decided to just try again and see. The whole day long my birth song playlist was going and I remember at one point I joined in the song " you're my prince of peace and I will live my life for you"
music was a wonderful addition to my birthing experience. So I was contracting in the tub and my midwife asked me probably around 9 if she could check me again... I was hesitant because I didn't know if that information would help or hurt... (like finding out I hadn't progressed or something) but lo and behold she checked me and I was like 9.9 cm!! I couldn't believe it! I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my contractions never went one on top of another because if they did I know it would have been seriously so overwhelming- Of course my contractions were not easy to get through but I was just so happy I got a break in between them. Not too long after she checked me I started to get the urge to push.

PUSHING-


Oh pushing. Well this is the crux of labor isn't it? Yes. But pushing is such a learning experience, my midwife was trying so hard to help me understand how to push SUPER effectively and sometimes I would be able to push effectively and sometimes I wouldn't.

::warning:: about to get a little graphic in case your easily grossed out--

ok for all of you who stuck around :) well as you can tell I have YET to mention my water breaking because IT HADN'T YET! I was pushing while my amniotic sac was still intact (some call this the caul) anyways, so I was VERY close to having a baby born in the caul (born in the amniotic sac) but ::sigh:: the added pressure of the bag not being broken was making it hard to push the baby completely out so I let my midwife break my water and after that I pushed a little more and then she decided I needed to change positions so instead of laying down in the tub on my back I switched to a squat position and it was this position that FINALLY (after about an hour of pushing) helped Caden progress far enough so his head could come out (annnnnnnnnnd it was the most intense part of labor)

then my midwife said something about changing position and so I took that as her wanting me to go back to where I was so I switched back to the position I was in before (which wasn't what my midwife meant but yea there was no moving me now!) Then at this point my midwife said something like... oh so this was the issue!! - and Caden had his little hand up by his head!!!!! so after she got his hand out everything was a lot easier. This was when Stewart switched positions from being behind me to being in front of me to help CATCH OUR BABY :D

Stewart here, I am going to take over for a moment to share my experience delivering Caden. Once Caden had crowned, the midwife put me into action and I was ecstatic!!! I have seen several deliveries during my time in medical school, but i never had the opportunity to actually help deliver. Well this was my moment, my turn to partake in a miracle, the gift of life that God had given to our baby, and that Jaime and I got to share. So there i was looking down into the water, at my little man's head and little arm (which as you know was stuck against his forehead for most of the labor). I took hold of his little arm and all i could feel was a squishy, slippery, little appendage that had previously been inside of my beautiful wife. As I sat there, waiting for Jaime to push through her contractions, I was honestly terrified. All the things that could possibly go wrong during this stage of labor were whirling through my head, and I realized that i hadn't felt the baby move yet in my hand. I quickly realized who was in control, God, and said a little prayer. Immediately, Caden's arm tensed, his head twirled around and his eyes shot open under the water. Joy, was all I could feel. As he stared up at me through the water, i was filled with an immense sense of relief, joy, and wonder. This was our child. He was finally here and I was so ready to hold him in my arms. So at this point, Caden was half way out, his legs were still yet to be born, and I could see the eagerness in Jaime's eyes to hold him. She even asked to hold him, which we had to remind her that we were still waiting on his little legs!!! The final push released him and he was free to hurry to his mother's bosom. That picture will forever be in my mind. All waiting and hopefulness fulfilled in that one moment, with Jaime holding her son, and me holding them both. This was love, this was peace, and this was Christ's plan come to fruition.

Jaime here ! ok so here are his stats!
He was born on Tuesday 11/22/11 at 10:16 pm
weighing 8 lbs. and measuring 20 inches

In my arms he was so awake and aware looking around and seemingly just amazed at the world. His cord was somewhat short but we waited awhile to cut the cord then Stewart cut the cord and was able to hold our baby for the first time! I delivered the afterbirth not to long after and then I got out of the tub and into the sitz bath where baby and I just hung out and he breastfed like a champ!
These last nine days have flown by! Caden is such a joy and blessing. I don't deserve the honor of becoming a mother but I Praise God that he has blessed us with our little Caden Kolbe.

fun fact:
a little bit after I had Caden, my playlist was still going and I heard this lyric "Let's hear it for my baby" (from the song Let's hear it for the boy) sort of a cute God wink letting me know the heavens are celebrating a new life :)

interesting tidbit: 
Last November we lost our second baby: Elizabeth Cecelia
I feel like the day Caden was born was orchestrated by God in a special way and aided by the prayers of Delaney and Elizabeth. Caden was born on the feast day of St. Cecelia.
It is a special connection I know my family in heaven has here on earth and that I know Caden will always have his sibling intercessors in heaven.

I named this post A Story of Surrender for a number of reasons...

Being pregnant after miscarriages is very hard. I had to surrender to God's will and ultimately give God my fears and anxiety about this child and pray that I could one day hold a child in my arms.
I had to surrender to my own failures as a person and realize that parenthood is a responsibility that you have to take head on... no halfway...all or nothing. I had to surrender to God's plan and listen to the desires that were placed on my heart no matter how scary they were at times. I had to surrender to my own body, my old figure, my own wants and needs I had to surrender them for the good of my little one. In labor, I had to flow with my body not against it and when I surrendered in labor I cannot express the flow of grace that abounded, i mean i would not even recognize myself if I was standing back replaying the whole thing because I was able to attain a peace throughout the labor that I never would have thought I could attain let alone, maintain throughout labor. God was there, he was my peace amidst my anxious, fear ridden constancy,
I remember thinking during pushing "Let go"...and that is how grace was able to flow...

and even post partum I have been learning how to let myself be helped in ways I never realized that I would need, getting dressed -standing up , sitting down. I have given myself up only to gain the most beautiful blessing and regain so much more of who I was meant to be in God's eyes... through this pregnancy God has shed me of my own pride, barriers and any sense of what I thought was "control" in life and has instilled in me a new sense of self. Caden has given me more than I could have ever asked for ... a new life. Not just his but mine.

TIME FOR PICTURES!

Last Belly Pic!

he is here!

Holding his son for the first time

getting weighed!

sleepy time

my precious little guy

smile <3